If I Lose You
by chartreuseian
Summary: After the events of Awakening, Helen and Nikola have more than an explosion to discuss. Spoilers for Awakening plus mature content in later chapters. Tis a rewrite and reupload of my old fic of the same name.
1. Chapter 1

**Here we go! So, this story was my very first Sanctuary fic (like ever) but was taken down a little while back. When I say taken down, I mean deleted for bad language in the summary. I was severely bummed by the fact because the reviews and love shown to me on this fic were just mindblowing and are the entire reason I am still writing fic here now. **

**So I am rewriting it! I'm going through, word by word and fixing it. It was rough and awkward to read when I first wrote it and Helen was too sniffly so hopefully all of that will be much neater now!**

**It's going to be slow going with this one because I'm wrapped up in too many other projects but I think some of you will have read it before anyway. This is mostly for me so that I can share with you all again the story I was so passionate about when I first wrote it.**

**xx**

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Helen was on the roof. Again. She knew she'd been spending far too much time up here of late but she couldn't help it, it was where she felt most at peace. Letting out a deep breath, she allowed her eyes to glaze over as the lights of New City twinkled, seeming to be just out of arms reach and let her mind wander until she became aware of footfalls on the stone behind her.

For once she cursed her old friend and his ability to keep all the hinges somehow perfectly oiled, the door that should have warned her of the impending intrusion having remained stubbornly silent instead.

She didn't reach for her gun at the intrusion, certain that only a select few would have been able to navigate the corridors that led to this particular part of the roof. Plus anyone trying to kill her ought to possess far more finesse and an ability to hide his or her footsteps far better than whoever was approaching appeared to be doing.

Whoever it was who had joined her stayed several feet back but she could hear their breathing none the less and detect the faintest trace of a cologne she'd known for the better part of her life.

"Helen," the voice said quietly and if she hadn't been sure of who had snuck up on her already, she was now.

"Nikola," she answered quietly, not turning around.

Again she heard the echo of footsteps approaching behind her until she could feel the warmth of his body beside her. They stood in silence for a moment and Helen chose to believe that he too was mesmerised by the sparkling lights set out before them.

"Why are you up here?" Nikola finally asked, his voice quiet. She didn't answer, instead sighing and leaning into the pillar by her hip. She could feel his eyes on her face but refused to look and meet his gaze.

"I don't know, Nikola," she answered softly. She heard him move once again towards her and she tensed, ready for an inappropriate hand to sneak across the small of her back. She truly wasn't in the mood for it tonight. But, to her surprise he merely picked up her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

She waited for a long moment before returning the gesture and quickly dropping the contact. There was something about the human contact that was comforting despite his less than human nature at times but she wanted to be alone right now, not comforted by him.

It felt to her like an eternity since she'd last shared such contact, even her few moments with John in Cambodia had been stolen from an unconscious man which made them seem... lesser, for some reason.

Holding back a sigh she shifted her weight and stood up straighter.

Nikola surprised her again by reaching for her hand, rubbing soothing circles across the back with his thumb.

This time she didn't push him away.

It almost reminded her of those times back at Oxford when she'd gotten overwhelmed by the lines they were crossing. Those moments when the secrets became too much for her to bear she'd taught herself to walk away and find some secluded place to stand where she could simply watch the sky.

Nikola never took long to find her, appearing silently by her side and taking her hand. It was all the contact he'd allow mostly. They would stand there for a few moments, breathing deeply and saying nothing until she turned, curiosity getting the better of her and leading him back to their laboratory.

He'd always understood her better than the others in some ways, he alone could see the way her mind struggled at time to catch up to her heart as they ploughed through the infinite possibilities of human existence. He'd also seen the young woman who was both terrified and exhilarated by actions considered debauched by both academics and those with high opinion of what a young lady should involve herself in. He had been the only one she had the strength to confide in when it came to her uncertainties and she'd often wondered if he realised the fact.

"You need to rest," he murmured, his voice closer than she'd been expecting.

"So do you," she countered. He let out a low chuckle.

"Not anymore, my dear," he said.

Helen let out her own chuckle at his attitude but remained otherwise silent.

"You can't hide out here forever," he said finally, his voice far from its usual sneer. Slowly Helen turned to face her old friend, his eyes searching her face in the dim light.

Without a word he stepped forward and crushed his lips to hers demandingly. Helen fought with herself, unable to decide whether she ought to push him off the tower or lean in to the kiss but it was too late for her to decide, her mouth opening and yielding to his.

She grabbed his shoulders tightly, swaying just on the verge of pressing her body closer to his but Nikola suddenly pulled back, remorse flooding his features.

"I-I'm sorry," he said, his voice strained and breathy.

Helen turned before her tears could slip down her cheeks and betray her. She had no reason to be upset but after the sheer terror of the past few days they'd shared it seemed everything was just about to spill out.

She felt his unnaturally strong hand on her arm, trying to turn her back to face him but she fought his grip.

"Go away, Nikola," she said, voice breaking on his name.

"I'm sorry," he said again, voice raw and thick with something she couldn't identify. His arms wrapped around her from behind and she struggled for a moment until his lips met her neck gently and she felt herself sag into him.

The tears began to fall against her better judgement and he pulled her closer, pressing one last kiss to her neck before he slowly turned her. She allowed him the action for only one reason, her purpose becoming clear as she tossed her arms around his neck, slamming their lips together.

He kissed her back but the action was so guarded Helen let out an angry little growl.

Gently, he pulled back from the kiss but, in a second he pulled her back, holding her tightly to his chest. She could feel her tears sinking into the rich fabric of the suit he'd changed into. She sobbed silently into his shoulder for a moment before pulling herself together with a shuddering breath.

All it took was a soft push against his chest and she was free, much to her disappointment.

"I apologise," she said, not meeting his eye as she straightened her skirt. Quickly she made to move around him but he caught her easily.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing."

She said it with a small smile, hoping to brush him off but his grip was strong.

"Helen, today was a good day. We survived, both of us and we killed an ancient bitch hell bent on world domination."

He smiled.

"And you revamped me."

She almost laughed at his childish enthusiasm. He always knew how to break her down like this, the glimmer of amusement returning to his eye at the smile she gave him.

But then looking at him she was reminded of all the reasons she'd sought out this quiet spot.

"Tell me what's wrong," he said, noticing the immediate drop in her demeanour.

Simply looking at the naked emotion on his face she crumbled. His hands came to her shoulders, holding her tightly but it wasn't enough. She leant into him quickly, kissing him once more as her hands made their way up to fist in his hair, pulling him even closer.

Nikola swayed slightly for a moment and she knew he was battling inner demons. She doubted he could deny how much he'd wanted this but in the same breath he would tell her that it wasn't like this.

She moaned into his lips, laying it on just a little and his restraint slid away, hands coming to rest on her hips. His tongue slipped into her mouth, tasting her as their bodies finally came into proper contact.

Helen pushed them until the stone walls pushed into Nikola's back. His hands drifted lower, caressing her through the thick fabric of her skirt. She shifted her hands to his chest, enjoying the elevated thrum of his heartbeat beneath her fingertips.

And that was it.

Her tears returned with a vengeance. She tried to keep kissing him, to ignore the frantic need rising in her chest but his sense of decency reared its head and he slowly pulled away from her.

Before she had the chance to run again, he pulled her into another hug, rubbing more of those soothing circles across her back.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, bodies entwined as Helen tried to keep her tears to a minimum.

Nikola couldn't find it in himself to care about how she must have been ruining his suit, too worried about the fact that Helen, Helen 'nothing ruffles my feathers' Magnus was crying. And not just crying, practically sobbing uncontrollably into his neck. He thought back over everything that had happened since they arrived back at the Sanctuary as he held her.

Their plane ride had been normal, flirty banter and all that but the moment they had stepped through the rather imposing front doors, Helen had shut down. Nikola had thought nothing of it at the time, too gleeful at his return to greatness to find it odd that Helen's "quick shower and bite to eat," had resulted in him not seeing her for several hours.

Of course, by the time he'd realised as such, the children were all off in their respective hidey holes or fast asleep, leaving him to find her on his own. The roof was the second place he'd checked (which honestly, just proved that he really did know her that well) which had almost worried him. Not that she was at threat of falling, more that it meant she was contemplating something that required solitude and distance to figure out. Never a good sign in his opinion.

Only when her sobs began to trail off did Nikola even contemplate talking.

"Now," he started softly as he sat her on the edge of the turret. "What is wrong?"

She made an effort to calm herself but just the feeling of his arms on hers reminded her of how good it felt to be held by him and sent all kinds of lustful thoughts through her body. With a soft sigh she'd never before heard leave her lips, she shook away the thoughts and focused instead on Nikola's eyes.

"It's been a tough day," she said finally. He continued to stare, obviously not happy with the answer.

"It's you," she tried again, her voice no louder than a whisper. A thousand emotions flashed over Nikola's face, anger, hurt, hope followed by more hurt, disappointment, regret and many more Helen couldn't name.

Only as he started to walk away from her did she realise how the words must have sounded.

"No, Nikola!" she cried, lurching after him. "It's not like that, I just... I..."

Words failed her and she bit her lip, a nervous tick she'd overcome decades ago.

Slowly Nikola turned back to face her, eyes so sad she couldn't help the guilt that swirled in her belly.

"I almost lost you today," she tried again. "James and Nigel are gone, John is..." she took a deep breath, "and my father is so seldom about that I think I am in danger of forgetting what he looks like. Which leaves you, Nikola. You're the only one who remembers what it used to be like, how hard it all was. Will, Kate and Henry... they try but God, Nikola, you were so reckless today! You could have so easily died and then... and then what? Bloody hell, I just... I..."

She ran out of steam, swaying slightly before forcing herself to turn and walk away from him as tears began to prickle the backs of her eyes.

"I'm not going anywhere," Nikola said firmly as he moved to stand behind her. His arms wound around her waist, tugging her back into his chest. Helen took a deep breath and, throwing caution to the wind, leant back into his embrace. They stood silently together for a few minutes until a low chuckle sounded in her ear.

She turned slightly, looking up at him.

"Why Dr. Magnus, I think you've drugged me." His voice was playful, back to the eternal flirt she couldn't bring herself to admit that she adored.

"And why would that be?"

"Because," he teased, his nose skimming across her cheek, "the memory of you kissing me is only just starting to come back to me. And believe me, that is not something I could easily forget."

Helen groaned and extricated herself from his arms. She knew he was teasing, he was far too much of a gentleman to use her previous desperation against her but she still had to fight the urge to blush and roll her eyes.

"Well, once I figure out how to remove that particular memory, I'll be sure to let you know," she retorted.

Something flashed across Nikola's face for a second and Helen had the unpleasant feeling that it was hurt but, before she could blink he was smirking at her.

"Good luck with that," he said, leaning in close as his dark, seductive voice washed over her. She jumped slightly at the sensation of his breath on the shell of her ear which only served to make his smirk even more pronounced.

Shaking her head, Helen turned from him to look down over the Sanctuary from their vantage point.


	2. Chapter 2

"Why did you kiss me?" Nikola asked, coming to stand next to her. "It's not that I object, it's just that I'd very much like to know what it was so I could do it again and again and again," he finished. It was fun and flirty and gave her an easy out.

"Cheeky bastard," Helen said, turning to face him. Nikola smiled at her in the darkness, the boyish grin of pride making her laugh."Some things never change," she muttered, crossing her arms as she decided to give up this particular battle.

"And some things do," Nikola responded, his voice serious.

Helen took a deep breath, trying to steady the emotions fluttering inside, making her lightheaded.

"Because I wanted to," she said finally. Her words hung in the air and she could feel Nikola freeze behind her. Whether in shock or apprehension, she couldn't discern.

He was holding his breath, probably waiting for a comment Helen wasn't sure she could deliver even if it was true.

"Helen," he said warily and she turned to face him. He stood for a moment and looked into her eyes. Then, so slowly Helen thought he'd take an hour, he closed the distance between their lips. He stopped a safe distance away, hovering uncertainly.

It wasn't an emotion she'd often seen in Nikola's eyes and she had half a mind to simply enjoy it for a long moment. Fortunately for him, the stronger part of her was willing her to get closer, to take his lips in another kiss. So she did just that. There was nothing rushed or desperate about it this time, instead they were gentle, exploring, testing the waters.

It was like a first kiss, sweet and lingering, making Helen tingle from head to toe. He was soft with her, lips caressing with infinite care as if he'd be perfectly happy to continue like this until the sun rose.

Helen didn't have nearly as much patience, hands moving from his shoulder up into his hair, curling her fingers and dragging him closer.

Her lips became harsh as her tongue begged entrance. He gasped at the change in her, body bowing into hers as their kiss deepened. He was quick to respond moving one hand to the small of her back, pulling her against him while the other settled on her ribs, just under her breast. Taking his move as encouragement, Helen nipped at his lip, enjoying the resulting moan she drew from him as they pressed even further together, his erection making itself known.

Suddenly, Nikola's mouth left hers and Helen let out a squeak of surprise followed by another as his mouth descended on her collar bone, pushing away the fabric of her dress. He left a trail of hot, wet kisses up her neck before tracing the same path back down, only this time alternating small bites and soothing caresses of his tongue.

"I love you," he whispered coarsely between nips, his voice thick with emotion. "I love you, I love you, I love you."

Helen shuddered, pretending it was the feeling of his hot breath against her damp skin. "Shut up," she moaned, using his hair to tug him back to her mouth.

"I love you," Nikola whispered into her lips and his kisses, while still passionate, became warmer, kinder, more loving, taking on an edge that frightened her.

"No," she growled, pulling away for a second. In a heartbeat she was back, diving for his lips fiercely.

Nikola acquiesced but couldn't help feeling shocked and more than a little upset. While he'd spent more than a century facing her displeasure at his advances, protestations of love had never made her angry, uncomfortable and withdrawn yes, but never angry. And just like that, everything clicked into place. He'd always assumed he'd wanted her unconditionally, more than happy to take whatever scrap of herself she would give him but he didn't. He wanted her to want him, he wanted the version of her that was madly in love with him, they were not to be a quick fuck but forever.

Gently, he pulled away from her demanding kisses, maintaining his grip on her shoulders to prevent any escape.

The moment Helen realised he wasn't moving to find a better position, her face dropped, heart stinging with rejection. She squirmed in his grasp, careful not to look into his eyes as she threw out her arms to push him away.

"Look at me Helen," he demanded. She refused, who was he to do this, to reject her after more than a century of pursuing her?

"Look at me," he said again, this time more forcefully. "Look at me!"

Helen stopped fighting for a moment, locking her eyes on his blue grey gaze.

"I love you," he said seriously. She took a deep breath, trying desperately not to fall apart but it was useless. Without any conscious decision, she collapsed into his arms, clinging to him but he didn't seem to relent, still holding her rather stiffly. So she pulled away, anger bubbling up.

"Get off me," she spat, voice wavering. Two sides of her were warring, one yelling, screaming at her for allowing Nikola to get this close to her heart. The other, far more meek, insisted that she give in to the tears, give in to the grief that it seemed she hadn't buried.

"I love you, Helen. I always will," he insisted softly, grip on her arms loosening just a fraction.

And then she was kissing him again, seeking out his lips to make the words stop. He kissed her back but it lacked the passion she was trying to illicit from him. He was soft and friendly, like they had been back in Oxford when still experimenting with each other.

"No," she growled again, clutching the front of his suit desperately.

Nikola pulled back slowly, his last, lingering little kiss slipping off the side of her mouth as he moved from her grasp, standing between her and the escape the door could provide.

"I hate you," she half shrieked, voice rising dangerously. Something flashed over his face, a look she couldn't decipher but she chose to see hurt, relishing the fact that she'd been able to wound him even in such a small way.

"Leave me alone," she yelled, clinging to the childish insult in the vain hope that it would help her to forget this ever happened. She was a mess and she knew it but there was little she could think of that would help at this stage. More than that, Nikola had seen her at worse than this. They could cope with a little misplaced passion.

Couldn't they?

"I love you," he said once more, voice quiet as he pleaded with her to understand. There was something so vulnerable in his eye that she cracked, stepping closer to him.

"Then show me," she begged in return. He groaned, eyes fluttering shut before he closed the remaining distance between them, capturing her lips in a bruising kiss, salty tears leaking onto his tongue.

Their arms wound around each other quickly, each of Nikola's carefully thought out reasons behind leaving disappearing as her hands frantically stroked his body. They flitted over his chest softly before curling into his waist. He gave her everything he had, hoping that he could convey just how much he cared for her in the kiss. It was nigh impossible but he had to make her understand.

Suddenly her hands were moving again, undoing buttons with and ease that his logical brain knew would have come from practice. His possessive streak rising once more, his hands became more demanding, shifting to the zip running down her back as his lips slid to her neck. He bit into the soft flesh with his dull human teeth just enough to make her moan breathlessly as he tugged down the zip. His hands shook with the pleasure of being allowed to stroke that soft, bare skin.

Helen shivered as the cold air hit the bare skin but she refused to let it stop them, instead enjoying the rather erotic combination of warm skin and frigid air. Taking a deep breath instead of a shallow pant, Helen reached down, hands shaking as she tried to unfasten his belt.

Suddenly he was flying backwards and away from her, making Helen's heart freeze in her chest. Part of her dimly hoped he'd been attacked by some abnormal but the rejection was clear. Before she could speak or even think to wipe away the fresh tears that stung her eyes, he stepped forwards. Of course, he wasn't close enough for her to touch but close enough that she could just about feel his body heat.

"I love you," he said hurriedly. Helen opened her mouth but again he spoke. "I love you Helen, and I always will but this is not how I want you."

He took a step closer to her, reaching out his hand to gently stroke her cheek and Helen had a vivid flashback to Rome. Only this time, she did not jerk away.

"I want you, more than anything but I want all of you Helen, I will not be a fling, a means to an end that you can discard once you've found your release," he said tenderly, eyes never leaving hers.

Helen's eyes widened but she remained glued to the spot. He was still breathing heavily, clearly affected by their latest encounter and her heart swelled just looking at him, waistcoat unbuttoned, hair flattened in places from her hands, his eyes wild with more than lust.

"I want you Helen, and I will wait for an eternity for you to want me, to love me. Because to be with you now, and have you hate me for it in the morning…" he took a deep breath, arms still shaking slightly.

"I know this is hard for you Nikola but I can't. I just… can't," she said, finally finding her voice, as raw as it might have been.

"Hard?" he asked incredulous, eyes widening with hurt and anger. "Watching you pick Druitt was hard, standing by as you picked him time and time again was hard, watching your heart break when I _knew_ that I'd never do the same was hard, but this…" he gestured wildly between them, "this is excruciating, Helen! I love you, I LOVE YOU," he started to shout, stepping back from her as she flinched at his words.

"I love you and to know that you may never love me… walking away from you now isn't hard, Helen," his voice dipped and his breathing became heavy, "it is killing me," he finished, annunciating every word.

They both stood for a minute, Nikola turned away from her, looking out over Old City. "Nikola, I..." she started, her voice still shaky as she took a step towards his heaving figure.

"No," he said harshly, body tensing as if he knew she was moving towards him. Helen stopped in her tracks, hurt. "No," he said again, softer this time as he turned towards her. With one swift movement, Nikola was holding her again, face pressed into her hair, his mouth inches from her ear. "I want you, Helen, I need you, all of you," he whispered frantically. Helen closed her eyes against the tears that were forming.

"Come find me, when you want me, all of me," he finished before stepping back, eyes guarded

With that, he turned on his heel and walked to the door. Hand on the door knob, he stopped suddenly and Helen had the distinct feeling that he was going to say something but without a word Nikola pulled open the door smoothly and stepped through it, letting it swing shut behind him.

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**Weee! Chapter two! On a roll! I remember why I liked this one now :) **

**Thank you for all those kind enough to review, favourite or alert. Means a lot *huggles***

**xx**


	3. Chapter 3

Helen stood still, her mind as frozen as her body. He… loved her? For some unknown reason, her mind framed it as a question.

He loved her?

She half expected those pesky tears to return but nothing, her eyes remained dry, if not a little puffy.

He loved her?

She already knew that, it wasn't new.

Of course it wasn't true. It was Nikola. Nikola. Nikola. Her Nikola.

He didn't love her.

Did he?

With a deep breath she finally found her legs once more, forcing herself towards the edge of the roof. Everything was the same as it had been three hours ago when she'd made her way up here. Well, the view at least.

No, she reminded herself, everything was the same. Nothing that had been said was new. She'd heard it before

She felt a rush of cool air and shivered before busying herself with the zip on her dress but, like all mediocre distractions, it didn't last.

He didn't love her. Not like that.

It didn't matter how many times she said it, something about it still didn't ring true. The things Nikola had said in Rome were… different somehow, less… heartfelt maybe? Maybe just less dramatic, she thought furiously.

As the sky glittered in front of her, Helen felt herself getting angry. Mostly at herself but a good deal of it she managed to aim at Nikola. She felt a flush of irritation that she could no longer shoot him before realising she could, she could shoot him over and over and over again if she wished.

Her hand twitched towards her gun, still strapped to her hip before she got control of herself.

What on earth was it with this man? He always managed to get her riled up, angry past the point of reason and then some. He was infuriating, immature, difficult, rude, insufferable, incorrigible, dangerous, reckless, trying, thoughtless, irresponsible, foolish… Helen's mind stopped abruptly as she licked her lips, tasting the very last trace of him. Her hands started to tremble so she made fists, digging her nails into her palms in an effort to stop the tremors.

He was infuriating, immature, difficult, rude, insufferable, incorrigible, dangerous, reckless, trying, thoughtless, irresponsible, foolish, delicious, alluring, undeniable, exciting, arousing...

Letting loose a frustrated cry, Helen turned away from her the view to stare back at the door he'd left by. Damn him and his bloody protestations of love.

How dare he… he… reject her like that, like she was nothing. If he loved her he'd still be here with her, not skulking somewhere in her house but _with_ her. He didn't love her, he was just having moral qualms about sleeping with a friend.

Helen had learnt long ago to see these things in a much more practical light and although her Victorian sensibilities had taken a little while to catch up, she'd always managed to seek comfort where she was sure of reciprocation.

It was just sex, she reasoned. No doubt Nikola had had his share of women over the years, regardless of whatever outlandish comments he occasionally made to the press, celibacy was not his style.

It was just sex, she told herself again, beginning once more to get angry at him.

Before she even realised what she was doing, Helen found herself striding across the roof, through the door and down into the house. Her feet were moving without her consent in a direction she was all too familiar with.

He'd be in the library, she was certain. Whenever he was angry or disturbed or conflicted he went to the library. It was a rule they'd implemented when it became apparent that going to the lab in such a state resulted in had changed between them in the past 100 years, this hadn't.

Thankfully, she didn't pass anyone, grateful she didn't have to explain where she was going or why her hands were balled up and eyes red. The halls were empty and cold, something about them making her hurry, her steps echoing off the walls. It was a matter of minutes before she stood in front of the great double doors that led to the south end of the library.

This, of course, was where her step faltered. She stood silently, looking at the gap in the doors and the sliver of light falling through. He'd know she was here, vamped up hearing and all that and she half wished he'd come and open the doors for her. With a sigh of defeat, she pushed open the door and slipped through.

He was facing away from her, bent over a table, staring at something she couldn't see. Next to him was a wine glass filled to the brim with red wine. He was still dishevelled, something that caused a small bead of worry to erupt in Helen. Normally he would have changed his clothes or at least fixed his waist coat but alas, he was exactly as she had left him, shirt untucked on one side, hair flattened by her over enthusiastic hands.

She went to take a step but quickly found that the legs that had so swiftly carried her here had finally registered all the protests her mind had been giving. Taking a deep breath, she instead studied him, taking in the slope of his hunched shoulders that reminded her of a thousand other times when he'd drawn in on himself for protection.

Finally and with a heavy sigh, Nikola turned to face her, shoving whatever he'd been studying deep into his pocket.

"What is it Helen?" he asked, tired.

His eyes bored into hers from across the room and she suddenly felt herself moving again. In the blink of an eye she was standing in front of him, a hand raised to his cheek. A kind of terrified hope was growing in his eyes but he made no move to touch her, standing there, his face cautious.

She opened her mouth to speak but no words came out, the things she ought to say disappearing as she looked up into his soft gaze.

"I'm sorry, Nikola," she said finally.

His face fell and he stepped back as her hand dropped away.

"I can't… I just can't, Nikola. You know that," she said quietly, her voice steady for the first time all evening. She'd spent the entire night feeling like a school girl, immature and childish in her responses to him but no more. She pulled up the mask she wore as boss, letting distance fill her voice as she spoke again.

"You know this is foolish, Nikola," she said, not intending to scold him but that's exactly how it came out.

"Don't chide me, Helen. I'm not one of your children, here to do your bidding," he responded bitterly. Helen felt her heart throb painfully at the look in his eye but remained stoic. "Go away, just leave me be," he said, turning away from her, an edge in his voice that made her angry, like he blamed her for having responsibilities that had to take precedence over what she may or may not have desired with her entire being.

The thought startled her and she took a deep breath before continuing.

"Nikola, first and foremost you are my friend." She noted the anger in her voice with a detached curiosity. Again, she marvelled, he'd gotten under her skin. "And I will not jeopardize that, ever. My behaviour tonight was inexcusable and I apologise for it but the things you are asking…" a lump formed in her throat, "they are not things I can give you. And you know that-"

"Why? Why not? Why can't you admit it Helen? You love me!" he exclaimed furiously. "And don't pull that friendship rubbish with me, it has nothing to do with that."

Helen stood for a minute, his reaction pricking something deep inside her. He took a step towards her, his breath shaky, a bitter smile on his face.

"The thing is, Helen… I never wanted to be your friend."

They both stood for a moment, contemplating his words. She could see the two possible ways she could interpret his statement and the way each answer would shape whatever relationship they had in the future.

She took the easier option.

"Well, that solves that," she half snarled in anger, turning on her heel, making to stride out of the room and contemplating slamming the door behind her for effect. Gah! How on earth did Nikola do this to her? He made her this crazy person she no longer recognized.

"Don't be like that, Helen," he called, a hint of frustration colouring his tone.

"Then don't behave like an insolent child," she countered, turning back to face him.

"So it's unreasonable that I hope for love? Or would you rather that I just settled for someone who simply wants to screw away their pain?" he spat.

Helen's heart physically hurt at the look in his eye but she swallowed and straightened her back.

"I have already apologized," she said, struggling to keep her voice even. If there was one thing she would not do, it was crumble.

She would not fight him, she would maintain her calm, she would rebuff his as smoothly as she had done for the past 100 years, well, whenever he was around. She was in control of herself.

Well, she sure as hell hoped she was.

"Oh come now, Helen," he said sullenly. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it."

For some stupid reason his words made her smile and she walked forwards until she was with arms reach, still smiling.

"I know," she said softly.

Sure she knew it, Nikola scoffed internally, but he was certain that his words had still hurt her. Something about the way she held herself, stilted and tense told him that she was still upset about his words and, perhaps, even his actions.

They stood for a moment, eyes watching warily before Nikola could stand it no longer. With a mischievous look in his eye, he grinned at her before gesturing to the table beside him.

"I could make it up to you," he suggested with a smirk. Helen actually laughed out loud at him. "Or I suppose the sofa over there might be more comfortable, though I promise you, sweet Helen, that I will vow to protect you from the evil bumps of either surface."

She shook her head at him with a smile, laughing lightly as he stepped closer.

"You," she said, taking a determined step backwards, "are precisely the same as you have always been."

"Oh, fair Helen, you wound me," he said, fluttering a hand to his heart, "I'm like good wine, only getting better and better with age." He lowered his hand and stared at her darkly, letting his eyes linger until she seemed to be fighting the urge to wrap her arms around herself to protect herself from his wandering gaze.

"More determined, yes," she conceded with a smile, suppressing a shudder at his ever wideninggrin, "but your lines are the same as ever, over used and under achieving."

He laughed openly at that one, the gleam in his eye changing to something far more benign.

"Touché, my dear," he said as he lounged against the table, toasting her with his glass of wine. They both leant back against the table, watching the flames. Seemingly without thought, Helen reached out and plucked the glass of wine from his hand. With little regard to the cleanliness of the action, she took a sip.

"There is a whole bottle," Nikola said, rolling his eyes but she ignored him, closing her eyes to better savour the flavour.

For just a fraction of a second he wondered if he'd made a mistake, if having her for a night, for just one precious moment would be better than this torture. The lust was pounding through him as he watched her lips, just the tiniest drop of wine still clinging to them but it was more than lust. It was tinged with something softer, something that made him want to discover her

"I'll get you another glass," she said, opening her eyes. "What?" she asked, suddenly self conscious.

"Don't worry about it," he responded quickly, snatching back the glass. For once, he really didn't care about the whole issue of sharing germs, it wasn't as if they hadn't already done that tonight. He took a deep swig, almost wishing he could get drunk. Almost, but not quite. Inebriation couldn't replace the deep pleasure he felt at knowing he was finally himself again.

Which reminded him...

"I almost forgot," he said, turning to Helen with a happy grin.

It was an unguarded smile she rarely saw, a smile that used to accompany a discovery of some sort.

"Watch," he instructed, pinning her with his gaze as he walked away. His grin widening, he held up a hand and narrowed his eyes as the book shelf behind her. Out of nowhere, Helen felt something zoom past her ear. She jumped slightly, startled when she saw the ancient sword Nikola was now holding, the one that was, until recently, attached to the wall behind her.

"Really," she chided, walking over to him. His joy couldn't be dampened by her disapproval and he smiled up at her happily. "You could have just told me," she finished, keeping a careful eye on the priceless antique.

"It's not as strong as it was before, but it's there," he said, clearly paying no attention to her as he twirled the sword in his long fingers. Helen watched his mind spinning, figuring out all the possibilities this presented him with. He was rather captivating like this she decided, his mind absorbed. The bitterness left his face and the smug grin he normally wore disappeared, leaving him with a boyish charm and an innocence that Helen had missed.

Carefully, she took the sword from him, "This isn't a toy," she warned, turning her back on him. The moment she had set the sword down on the table it flew out of her grasp again and over her head. "Really, Nikola," she said, turning around with a smile.

"Couldn't you have just been happy for me," he asked, pouting a little as he walked the sword back over to her.

"I am, but why couldn't you have just told me, like a normal person," she countered, taking the sword from him again, making a mental note to get it rehung tomorrow.

"Because I'm not a normal person," he threw back with a smile. With a chuckle, he picked up the wine glass and took a final swig, emptying it.

"At this rate you'll finish my wine cellar before the decade is out," she advised as he went to pour another glass. Nikola scoffed, emptying the bottle before offering the glass to her. Helen took a sip before handing the glass back and watching Nikola take another deep drink from the cup.

The pair stood in silence for another moment before Helen turned to face him. "What will you do now?" she asked, "Considering you are officially the last of your kind." Nikola chuckled appreciatively before putting down the glass.

"I haven't a clue," he admitted with a grin, "Though I'm sure I'll think of something."

"No doubt," Helen replied, fighting back whatever emotion was boiling up within her. After having asked the question, she realised that his answer was not the one she was looking for.

Something along the lines of 'you' wouldn't have been far off the mark, she decided, a little shocked at the thought.

"Maybe I'll go back to England for a while, terrorize another one of your Sanctuary's," he mused, not paying attention to her. Helen's heart clenched painfully at the thought of him not being here.

"I'd thank you to limit the damage to one," she warned. Nikola smirked at her, raising an eyebrow questioningly. Internally she cursed herself for forgetting just how easily he could see through her.

"Why Helen," he exclaimed, a gleeful edge in his voice, "are you asking me to stay?"

Helen rolled her eyes, brushing him off and trying to walk away from him. Nikola was too quick, reaching out to grab her arm, turning her around to face him with a serious look in his eye. His eyes asked the question again silently and Helen had no choice but to answer.

After taking a deep breath she smiled, "Yes, I am."

* * *

**This was supposed to be up the other day (at request of someone on twitter whose screen name on here I don't know) but I'm working on being a good student at the moment. We'll see how long it lasts.**

**Much love to those taking the time to review, it sounds dumb but I can't explain just how fantastic you are as a kind of people :P**

**xx**


	4. Chapter 4

Nikola's heart leapt and faded all at the same time. A curious sensation he decided as he let go of Helen's arm.

"You shouldn't say things like that," he teased, well aware he was failing at his nonchalant tone. "Maybe one day I'll take you seriously and then where will you be? Stuck with a part vampire who is intent on blowing up each one of your labs."

"Nikola," she warned as he turned away. "I'm serious. I'd very much like you to stay here. For… for as long as you'd like," she tacked on, her voice betraying her uncertainty as it wavered. He felt his heart melt, adorable wasn't normally the first word he'd put next to her name but he figured that he could make an exception. So she didn't love him… he could deal with that. She wanted him with her, beside her, maybe that could be enough?

He turned to face her, trying to let some of the hurt leave his face, using her words as… well… as a candle to light his way, as clichéd as it was. He gave her what he hoped was a teasing smile as he turned only to find that she was much closer than he realised with her eyes taking on that misty quality that told him she was upset. Without thinking, he closed the distance between them, lowering his lips to hers, only to divert them at the last second, landing on her cheek instead, a cruel parody of Rome.

She let out a sigh as she raised a hand, stroking his cheek while the other arm wound around him. "Thank you," she sighed into his ear and he shuddered.

"For what?" he queried, trying to be cool as he pulled away to look into her clear blue eyes that still set his heart a flutter after all these years.

"For being the gentleman," she said with a genuine smile and Nikola cursed internally.

"Sometimes I hate the Victorian gentleman in me," he said darkly, not entirely aware he'd said it out loud until he heard Helen gasp as she understood what he was saying.

He stopped breathing, suddenly aware the only reason he could hear her gasp was because they were still standing together, far too close considering the size of the library they were standing in. He swallowed and toyed with the idea of stepping back but shot it down immediately, if she wasn't going to then he wouldn't either.

"Nikola, I…" she trailed off, her voice barely more than a whisper as she stared into his eyes.

She couldn't help but draw comparisons, with John she'd always felt small, feeble and female but with Nikola… she felt like an equal, a sensation she had to admit was far more satisfying than the contemplation of submission.

He was holding her breath, she could see it. He was tense, holding perfectly still, waiting for her to move only she couldn't. No matter what she did, it would be bad. She couldn't take another step towards him but the thought of taking one back hurt.

"Nikola," she said carefully, trying very hard not to look at his lips. "Could you take a step back? Please?"

Nikola's face fell but he remained still. "Please?" she tried again. She could feel herself starting to arch towards him and she fought it, refusing to hurt him anymore than she already had.

"Please?" she whimpered, unable to hold out much longer. She knew somewhere in the last 100 years she'd grown strong, stronger than the woman who was about to fall into his arms but she couldn't remember any of the reasons her heart had become so steely.

"Why can't you?" he asked, his head cocking to the side, his breath stirring her hair.

She closed her eyes and bit her lip, trying to block out those piercing eyes but it seemed that they had imprinted themselves on her, she was unable to escape. "I… just… I can't," she said, opening her eyes. He was still staring at her and she found herself wishing that he'd ignore her and close the gap, kiss her senseless and then… and then… she couldn't put it into words, dark and beautiful images flashing through her head.

With a gasp she lurched forwards, the full length of her body pressed into his. He inhaled sharply but before he could even think about making a move, she pulled back, her hands on his arms, giving her space. "I'm sorry," she said shakily, her eyes wide as she dropped her arms. Her body had betrayed her again.

Nikola said nothing, staring into her eyes, studying her. Slowly, his mouth began to curl into a smirk. It didn't escape her notice that this was only after his breathing returned to normal. "You're too strong for me, Helen," he grinned at her before turning back to the abandoned glass of wine beside them.

Helen let out an uncertain laugh, hoping like hell he didn't realise how close she'd been to… to… to saying those unthinkable words. She knew it was just desperation talking, she knew it. She had to get out of here.

But she couldn't. Not without making a proper apology. She'd come down here guns blazing to tell him off but somehow things had turned and she was the love struck girl of her youth again, Nikola breaking down everything she'd built up to hide herself from the world.

"I'm sorry," she said again and she would have continued but Nikola held up a hand to silence her.

"Don't, it's fine," he said, turning to offer her a smile.

"No, it's not," Helen said earnestly. His face darkened. "It's not alright for me to behave like this, not when I can see it's hurting you." She stepped closer to him as he turned away, gently raising a hand to place on his arm. "You must know, Nikola, hurting you was never my intention."

"All good intentions go astray," he muttered, moving out of her hand.

She stood silent, unhurt by his words, aware she had caused them.

There was a beat of silence as Nikola took another drink. "Love sought it good," he quoted with a flourish, "but giv'n unsought is better," he finished, not looking at her.

Helen took a steadying breath, before responding, ignoring the words, moving straight to their meaning. "Can we not go into this again?" she said, unable to keep the exasperation out of her voice.

Nikola looked over at her, contempt in his eyes but said nothing. "I am sorry for everything I did," she began, moving towards him.

"Please, Helen, I don't want your pity," he spat, moving away from her.

"Why on earth would I pity you?" she asked. "Today should have been the happiest day of your life, your new life," she reminded him, a glimmer of a smile on her face. Nikola scoffed and rolled his eyes. "How can anyone pity a vampire?" she asked, openly kidding with him.

"Today was brilliant," he hissed at her, "Today was magnificent until you made it perfectly clear just how much I mean to you." Helen stood her ground as he glared at her, trying to still the growing fire inside her. She opened her mouth but he shushed her with a hand. "I know, I know," he said sarcastically, "You're sorry." Then, after a pause, "Do you want me to leave?"

"Of course not!" she exclaimed, stepping towards him, "Of course I don't want you to leave, you're one of my only friends left in this world. I'm sorry for hurting you, Nikola, I truly am but I don't want you to leave."

"That doesn't make it better," he said, turning to face her, his broken heart clear. "Knowing you regret what almost happened doesn't make me feel better. You kissed me because you thought you'd lose me, you thought now I've got all my powers back that I'd run off and you were afraid. And instead of telling me, instead of using your words you did the one thing that you knew would keep me by your side. You were willing to sleep with me, knowing I could never leave you if I did what you asked. You were going to use me, Helen. You were going to use me," he finished, his eyes pleading with her to stop this.

Helen opened her mouth a few times but nothing came out. She was overwhelmed by guilt she hadn't known was there, the truth of his words making her blood run cold. She knew there was something to her actions but she simply used the tired old idea of making herself feel alive, reaffirming that _he_ was still alive. The way her heart was now thumping in her chest was, unfortunately telling her otherwise.

Bugger.

Nikola was still looking at her, a kind of tortured adoration that made her literally sick to her stomach. She stumbled. Her hand shot out to grab something, anything to steady herself as she bent double. He had been several metres away but the first thing her hand found was his.

His hand held hers as he led her over to the sofa, sitting her down, concern in his eyes. He knelt at her side, holding her hand tight as she took deep, shaky breaths.

"I am so sorry, Nikola," she gasped out between breaths. Her eyes locked on his and he saw everything, everything she couldn't ever put into words, her sadness, regret, anxiety, sorrow… he could go on and on but when he saw the love in her eyes, he stopped, not allowing himself to read something that she had assured him was never there.

Her hand tightened on his as her breathing returned to normal although the few tears that rolled down her cheeks did not escape his attention. Gently, he reached up with his free hand and wiped them away, his eyes never leaving hers. She flinched as his thumb brushed away a tear just above her lip but she made no move to stop him. He cupped her cheek for a second before letting her go, making to stand but she wouldn't let him.

Gently, she pulled him to sit on the couch next to her, never letting go of his hand. He opened his mouth to talk but she silenced him, covering his lips with her own. Her earlier desperation was back with a vengeance, her lips devouring his as her tongue tried to coax his into action. Using all his restraint, Nikola pulled back. Her eyes were bright and her breathing wild.

"Please," she murmured, leaning back into him, their lips too close for his comfort. He rested his forehead against hers and closed his eyes.

"I want to, you know I do Helen. But I can't," he whispered hoarsely, unwilling to admit how much her latest kiss had undone him.

"I don't want you to hurt," she whispered back and he could tell her eyes were closed.

Nikola let out a small chuckle. "This hurts," he murmured back, squeezing tight the hand he was still holding.

"I know."

There was a moment of silence before Helen spoke again. "I can't say it, Nikki," she said brokenly, using the nickname she'd given him a very long time ago. Despite current circumstances, he still hated it. "I can't say what you need me to say," she continued, her voice pitching as she spoke.

Nikola said nothing but pulled away, ignoring the fact that she hadn't said she didn't love him. "Why not?"

He knew he shouldn't ask but the urge was overwhelming.

"Because I can't," she said angrily, eyes downcast. "It's dangerous," she whispered quietly, Nikola only just catching what she had said.

"I am not John," he said clearly and she flinched as he said the other man's name. As much as he'd tease her about falling for a psychopath, they never spoke about John, ever. He had been the source of much contention between them even back when they were mortal and to bring him up now… Nikola knew he was risking everything.

She made to withdraw her hand from his but he refused. "I am not John," he said again, desperately seeking her eye. She let out a strange little hiccup as she tried to pull away from him. "No," he said sternly, fighting her.

"I can't," she said again, her voice louder but still heart-breaking.

"Please," Nikola begged, not realising he'd said it until she opened her eyes wide, finally looking at him.

She waited for a moment before kissing him, pouring everything she couldn't say into that kiss. He knew she loved him, he could tell. He kissed her back, begging her with each slant of his lips to say the words, to make him certain. Her hands moved to cup his face and he knew she wouldn't say it just to get her way, if she said it, it was because she loved him. Nikola deepened the kiss, gently biting on her bottom lip, making her groan.

"I can't," she murmured into his lips, "I can't."

"I love you," he said harshly, pulling back.

"I love you," he said again, this time, whispering it. They both sat back for a moment, watching each other warily as they collected their respective thoughts.

After a moment Helen gave him a weak smile before leaning in, kissing him again but this time her lips were gentle, sweet, loving. Her lips caressed his with such tenderness that Nikola thought his heart would burst. He held her tight, letting the sweetness of it rush through his body, well aware that a kiss like this would break his heart in the morning. She moaned against his lips and his heart began to swell with hope and desperation.

He let one hand tangle in her hair as she mumbled softly against his lips but in his heart he knew that though would only end in disaster.

With that thought, he pulled back, prepared for her disappointment.

When he looked her in the eye, he saw a lightness, a buoyancy that confused him. Helen let out a laugh and smiled at him. She leaned back in, kissing him once, twice and then a third time.

"You didn't hear me, did you?" she asked, a smile creeping on to her face at his lack of understanding. "Of all the things," she chastised before smacking him lightly in the arm.

"What?" Nikola asked, confused by the not inconsiderable turn in her mood.

Helen let out another very un-Helen laugh.

"What?"

"I said I love you too."


	5. Chapter 5

He froze. He knew that one day he would look back at this moment and hate himself for what he did but in the moment there was nothing else he could do.

He froze.

After a few moments of staring into her eyes he realised that joy he had just seen was disappearing faster than he could have expected. Then he felt guilty, he'd caused this fresh pain. Taking action, he did the only thing he could think of, leaning forward and crushing her lips against his. She let out a small yelp of surprise before kissing him back almost playfully. Nikola, on the other hand was now trying to quash the fire her words had started. Suddenly he pulled back, eyes searching hers.

"Say it again," he commanded and she blushed, looking flustered. There was a beat of silence and he shook his head, certain he'd imagined it. Without a second though he stood up, ignoring what was now occurring in his pants. He walked away from her and cursed his imagination. He stood for a moment and looked into the fire, trying to block out Helen's short breaths in the background.

Nikola swallowed an angry curse and tried to fight the anger building in his chest. He was so consumed by his thoughts of his own idiocy that he didn't even hear her footsteps as she walked up behind him. He only realised how close she was when a gentle hand landed on his shoulder.

"Nikola," she said, her voice soothing but still she managed to sound like a school teacher. He spun on his heel, apology lingering on his tongue but never got the time to provide it, his tongue quickly becoming far too occupied with Helen's. Her hands were cupping his face and her lips moved against his firmly. He felt every fear in his body evaporate and it was all he could do to hang on as the pure joy inside him burst forth.

She pulled back slowly, not letting go of his face.

"I love you," she said again, her mouth twitching into a smile as she finally said the words. The first time had been hard, nearly breaking her but then afterwards it was as if everything started to knit back together again. All the pain she had endured wasn't gone, more surpassed by this beautiful feeling. Then the second time everything seemed to fall into place, every moment between them becoming easier to define as his words took on a second meaning. Now kissing him felt like breathing, sustaining her, like it was all she needed.

When he froze, staring at her in disbelief, her heart started to break again and she remember the reasons why she'd not wanted to say this in the first place. Then when he'd asked a third time she'd been confused, dazed by the ferocious change in this moods. Where she had expected smug joy, maybe even snide comments she had seen fear.

He had not believed her.

Now his eyes contained a mix of wonder and joy, his face looking younger than she had ever seen it. She chuckled lightly as she realised he was now speechless. He raised an eyebrow at her, her humour pulling him out of his trance. Internally she groaned, now he'd be nigh unstoppable in his sexually loaded agenda.

Or not, she realised with a start as she looked into his twinkling eyes. He wouldn't need the agenda now. With that thought shivered. She'd just given him permission to indulge in every sneaky little comment he'd ever made.

Funnily enough, it made her shiver in anticipation.

"Are you laughing at me Helen?" he asked, his voice dangerous and low as he stepped closer to her, their bodies touching. "Because I'm sure I can find a way to wipe that smirk of your pretty little face," he promised as his hands slipped around her waist. He pulled her roughly to him and she let out a little gasp, eyes widening at the foreign sensation that was his body against hers.

Then it was his turn to laugh before lowering his mouth to hers. Instinctively, she went to push away, struggling against his hold before she realised she didn't have to. He growled as she squirmed in his arms but, as she stopped, he pulled his mouth from hers.

"That's more like it," he whispered darkly, his voice on the edge of transformation. Helen slid her hands from where they rested on his chest up to wind around his neck, one hand twisting into his hair, closing the small gap between their lips and it was if they had never stopped kissing.

His tongue traced the outline of her lips, begging for entrance which she denied, keeping him in check for a moment. He growled into her mouth and the vibrations sent shockwaves through her body. She gasped at the sensation and Nikola took the opportunity. And to be honest, Helen was glad.

His hands moved from her waist, one tracing a line down to her hip, the other moving to the back of her neck. Together they moved backwards, holding each other tightly as Nikola managed to manoeuvre them onto the couch, Helen straddling his legs. She moaned as her dress was forced up her thighs, the soft fabric of his pants brushing against the inside of her legs. Nikola's hands began exploring the newly exposed flesh before roughly pushing the fabric of her dress higher and higher until it was sitting above her hips.

Helen sighed as the cool air hit her overheated skin and she kissed Nikola with an ever increasing passion. His hands moved to her hips, holding her tightly. Without her consent or knowledge, Helen's hips began to grind out a small circle and Nikola let out a strangled cry against her lips.

He dug his fingers into her hips, holding to so tightly that she had no choice but to stop. Although one part of him wanted nothing more than for her to continue, a larger and more rational part of his brain realised that if she kept that up, there was no way they'd make it to the bedroom for the long slow night of torture he had dreamed of.

"Not here," he whispered into her lips and she let out a whimper, a sound he had never, ever heard from her lips.

"Please," she begged, fighting his hands and he almost relented. He knew if she begged again he'd be lost so he made a choice. Quickly he put her to the side of him, breaking the contact she was clearly enjoying.

"Not here," he said again before standing up. He held out a hand to her which she quickly took, standing up immediately, her face unsmiling in her need. He had to fight the urge to throw her back down and take her right then and there. With a groan he pulled her from the room, walking so fast she was almost tripping as she tried to catch up.

They got to the elevator and he shoved her into the wall before kissing her again hungrily. By the time they reached the right level, he was again far too close to screwing her up against the wall but this time she saved him, breaking out of his embrace and tugging his hand in her impatience to get to her room.

They made it down the corridor with great difficulty, stopping every few feet for another heated embrace, unable to keep their hands off of each other. Nikola was holding back and she could tell. He didn't want to turn, not now and it was taking every ounce of self control he had to stay human.

And Helen was working as hard as she could to make him surrender his control, her lips hot and insistent against his first and then the skin of his neck. She bit down at one point and heard his growl, loud and twisted with the vampiric edge she had always found arousing.

Suddenly she could feel a door knob behind her, one that felt very familiar. She reached back blindly with one hand while the other was clung to Nikola's shirt. The stumbled through the door and Nikola slammed it shut behind them, not breaking their kiss. As clothes started to fly, Helen's mind disappeared into an abyss of pleasure and, she decided, it would be perfectly OK if it stayed there.


	6. Chapter 6

"No," Nikola said against her lips. "No," he tried again, this time clearer and more demanding. He stepped back from Helen, his eyes wide. She pouted, her lips shining softly in the dim light. She stood before him in nothing but a black lace bra and panties, chest heaving. Quick as a flash he removed his dress pants.

"Please," she whispered, stepping towards him, her lips finding his again. Nikola let out a low growl as she traced the line of his bottom lip but stepped back again.

"No pleading," he said throatily. "Not yet, anyway." Helen smiled impishly at him and moved towards him again. "We have all of eternity," Nikola said as he held her a safe distance from his body. "There is no need to hurry." Helen sighed at his words, obviously happy to rush things.

Ignoring the plea in her eye, Nikola took her hand and led her over to the bed, sitting her down on the edge. Slowly he reached his hand up to her face, cupping her cheek gently, his thumb stroking her cheek. Helen watched him carefully as she leaned into his touch. Not one to be submissive, she raised her hand, covering his with her own, letting a soft smile flit across her mouth.

His free hand trailed down her back, undoing her bra with the flick of his wrist. The lace fell away from her body and Nikola moved his hands to down her neck, his fingers too light, his touch too fleeting. She squirmed under his hand but he made no move to hurry. His eyes slipped from hers to watch his hands as they began to explore the soft skin of her collarbone. He traced a light pattern over her pulse point, eliciting a shiver from her. She sighed as his hands moved to trace the delicate bones, each stroke of his cool fingers on her heated skin sending a bolt of pleasure straight to her core.

Picking up the pace, his hands skimmed down the side of her breasts, coming to rest firmly on her rib cage. Helen bit her lip, stifling the groan in her throat. If he didn't touch her soon… She lost that train of thought as his hands moved to the heavy weight of her breasts. She gasped and her eyes flittered shut. Just in time, Nikola thought, unable to suppress a smirk at that way she was reacting under his hands. He let one thumb brush over her nipple and she actually shuddered.

Her eyes popped open and, with a cheeky smile, he moved to stand for a brief moment. As his hands left her skin, she pouted at him. The pout didn't last long though, as he spread her legs and knelt between them. He raised a hand to her face again before trailing it back down to where she wanted it most. He gently massaged one breast while his other hand started to toy with the waistband of her panties.

He raised the hand on her chest to her shoulder, pushing her down to lie against the bed. As she fell backwards, Helen let her eyes fall closed, surrendering to his clearly talented fingers. His hands were on her hips, gently lifting them so he could slip off the last piece of clothing on her body. There was a moment of stillness and she had to fight the urge to sit up. Then, Nikola's mouth descended on the soft skin of her thigh, sucking and nipping as she bit her lip, stifling a moan. He was dancing around her core, kissing her closer and closer to where she needed him before moving away again. One of his hands held her writhing hips in place while the other traced the underside of her breast.

"Nikola," she all but whimpered as his fingers started to pull gently at her nipple. He said nothing, simply chuckling into the skin of her thigh, the vibrations making her world blur at the edges.

"Please," she whispered, as one of her hands found his head and the other fisted in the sheets. He chuckled again and she was about to pull away, determined to take the pleasure she needed but he moved his lips and she actually screamed. His tongue was hot and probing, soothing and inflaming her all at once. His hand fell from her breast, quickly coming to rest on her hips as he continued his far too slow ministrations. He was being gentle, exploring her but Helen knew he couldn't hold on for long.

Just as she was about to voice this (or at least try to) he sucked hard on her clit. She gasped, her body bolting upright as her nails dug into his shoulder.

"Oh my god, Nikola," she cried, her eyes wide as she threw her head back. He chuckled again and this time it nearly sent her over the edge. Out of nowhere one of his fingers slipped into her slick passage. She shivered at the sensation, her entire body tensing as he bought her to the edge. Then, without warning, his mouth slipped of her, kissing her softly on the thigh. She groaned but was pleased that his finger stayed put, curling slightly inside of her, just barely brushing her most sensitive spot.

Once he was certain she was calmed down, Nikola's mouth moved back to her clit, sucking harder than before. She cried out indistinctly and he knew her eyes would be closed, mouth hanging open just a bit. Her hips were beginning to buck against his face and, although he could think of nothing better than giving her the release she clearly wanted, he pulled back, this time removing his finger. She cried out again, this time in shock.

"Nikola," she admonished angrily as he looked up at her. Gently he used his finger to stroke her and she shivered. He was certain she was either about to lecture him or jump his bones.

"I have waited over a century for this, my dear," he said quietly, and her glare softened, still shivering occasionally as his finger continued its lazy strokes. "Forgive me for wanting to draw it out." She smiled softly at him and opened her mouth to speak just as he slipped his finger back inside her. She let out a shaky breath and remained silent, falling back on the bed.

"We have an eternity," she said unsteadily, reminding him of his earlier words. "So take your time some other night." He chuckled at her logic but instead of fighting it, moved back to her heated core.

"As you wish," he said darkly before running his tongue the entire length of her. She let out a moan and he thrust another finger inside her, curling them just so and she cried out as his mouth again found her clit, sucking on it relentlessly. Suddenly she was hurtling though the flames, her hips bucking against him as she came closer and closer. It didn't even cross her mind to be quiet or that he would pull away again, she was too swept up in the feeling. His fingers were moving sinfully within her, his tongue worrying her nub and she felt the tension building in her muscles. With a cry ripped from her chest, she came hard and fast, her body trembling with the force of it.

"Nikola," she croaked out as she lay back against the bed, almost unable to move. Slowly, his fingers left her and he placed one last kiss on her overly sensitive clit. He drew his body up so he was hovering over her. He wasn't smiling, his eyes regarding her with caution. Using what little of her strength remained, Helen raised her arm, found the back of his neck and pulled his mouth down to hers. She could taste herself on him as his tongue gently stroked her own, shivering at his gentleness but she found it wasn't enough.

"I need you. Now," she whispered into his lips, pleased when his body stiffened above hers. He pulled back again and raised an eyebrow and she rolled her eyes.

"Now, Nikola," she insisted, her voice strong but thick with desire. She shifted her hips to cradle his, her arms wound loosely around his neck and she knew she was close to that pleading he'd always joked of. She opened her mouth with a breathy groan and was about to beg him but she felt him nudge her opening.

She gasped at the sensation, instinctively rocking her hips to increase the friction. Nikola shushed her and she looked up into his eyes and saw his silent question.

"I love you," she answered, a smile on her lips. His smile in reply made her heart swell and she almost let out a carefree laugh. Almost because he chose that moment to begin sinking into her. She let out an unflattering little noise but couldn't help it. He was stretching her, filling her oh so slowly and she was just about at her limits.

"Nikola," she whispered, her voice filled with tenderness as he stared into her eyes with a look of absolute adoration and concentration. She clung to his arms, her nails digging in to flesh. After what seemed an impossibly long time, Nikola stopped moving, fully sheathed inside of her.

She was so tight and so wet he could feel the tenuous control he'd been exercising slip away. That and the look on her face was enough to send him over the edge. She let out an un-Helen like moan and shut her eyes and he steeled himself with the knowledge that she was loving this as much as him. He waited until he was certain she was used to him before he started to pull out almost completely before slipping back into her body.

She cried out as her hands flew to grab onto the sheets, holding onto them for dear life as her hips began to thrust back without any conscious thought on her behalf and her legs wound around his waist. Again he pulled out slowly before grinding into her and she whimpered this time. The pleasure was rising inside her again as he pulled out before he thrust back into her, hitting that sweet spot for a third time.

She wanted to hold on, she really did, she wanted to so very badly but the pressure was too much, and she could feel herself falling as she bit her lip. He stroked into her again, this time more gently and she began to quake. She couldn't talk, her breathing was coming in short pants and she stared at him and he thrust into her again, hitting every sensitive patch she never knew existed.

"Niko," she whispered, one of her hands grabbing onto his head, pulling him down for a quick bruising kiss. He slammed into her again and she moaned into his lips, her tongue snaking into his mouth as she tried to deepen the kiss. He started to thrust with a rhythm as he pulled away from her lips, resting his forehead against hers.

"Volim te," he whispered as he plunged into her. "Ja vam je potrebna." His lips brushed against hers as his eyes slid closed. "Ti su moji." He was picking up the pace and she started to meet his thrusts. "Zauvek," he said finally, opening his eyes to look at her.

She could feel tears coming to her eyes at his words and struggled against the first wave of her orgasm to reply to him in Serbian.

"Uvek."

Wonder passed over his face at the word but it quickly morphed into lust as he began to thrust into her again and again and again, harder and harder and harder until she was chanting his name, clutching him to her as pure pleasure seared through her veins.

"Uvek," she said again softly as she came down from her high, a tear sliding down her cheek. All at once he exploded inside her, his head keening back as his jaw tightened and he let out her name in a growl. She knew his eyes would be black and she could see his teeth beginning to emerge. She also knew she should be terrified but it was all she could do to buck her hips, trying to prolong his pleasure. Eventually he stilled above her, his breathing heavy and laboured.

She slowly became aware of a faint discomfort on her hips and realised his nails had marked her. His head dropped, eyes still closed and she could see the pulse in his neck beating out a rapid pace.

"Nikola," she whispered, her voice hoarse. He opened his eyes and looked down at her, a smile spreading across his face which she answered with one of her own. He made to roll off her but she tightened her legs around his hips, keeping them joined for a moment until she noticed how his arms were trembling with the effort to keep him off her. With a sigh she released him and they rolled to the side, facing each other.

He slowly raised a hand to her face, stroking her cheek gently as a smile played with his lips. She shuffled towards him and threw her leg over his hip, pulling them closer together. Taking her cue he pulled her towards him, tucking her into the crook of his neck.

"Thank you," he whispered reverently. Helen fought his embrace, leaning back to look him the eye.

"Whatever for?" she asked incredulously.

"For giving in," he said with a smirk, reverting back to the cheeky school boy, forever plaguing her.

"Cheeky basted," she grumbled before using her weight to roll them over so she was straddling him.

"What are you going to do?" he asked darkly as she sat back, letting her bare ass brush against his half hard member. She said nothing, simply giving him an evil grin before running her nails over his chest, digging in just a little. He let out a dark chuckle and Helen decided she liked the way those vibrations felt, making a mental note to make him laugh at least once more before giving him what he wanted.

"I'm going to make you show your beast," she said, leaning down to whisper in his ear as her hands moved up his hands to pin them above his head.

"That," he answered softly, his voice already deeper than before, "can be arranged."

* * *

**Oh wow, this reads like a very bad romance novel. Sorry about that... But part of me isn't because this is the first time I haven't had to change too much of a chapter. I'm trying not to change the plot and layout of the story, just tightening up the grammar (and taking out a few of Helen's tears) but for this one, it was pretty easy... **

**Anyway, sorry for the delay. I just have a bit of a deadline coming up with another story so everything else is being put on the backburner. Only one more chapter of this to go though, so hopefully it'll be done soon. Thank you to those who have (for some odd reason) stuck with me on this one :P**


	7. Chapter 7

**Lucky last chapter! Sorry about the delay, I'm very bad and lazy at the moment :P I hope y'all enjoy it!**

**xx**

* * *

He arched up into her and she let out one final growl of pleasure before almost collapsing against his chest.

"Don't give up yet," he whispered darkly in her ear before using his enhanced strength to flip them over. He looked down into her eyes with a broad grin, showing off each of his overly sharp teeth. The shudder of pleasure that sent through Helen's body was unexpected but certainly not unwelcome and she moved her hips under his, a small smirk growing on her lips as his own faltered.

"Oh, Nikola, I never give up," she responded gleefully and he growled as she moved against him once more. They began thrusting into each other, Helen's eyes flitting shut as he again bought her to the precipice. He was holding back, she could tell, trying not to let his baser urges get to him and she was having none of it.

"Bite me," she whispered, pulling him down to her neck. She could feel him resist but she knew what she wanted.

"Bite me," she moaned again, her body arching against his. Without a word of warning he swooped forwards, burying his face against her neck.

"I can't," he whispered.

"Please."

"No-."

"Nikola," she almost screamed, hands clamping on his head, holding him there. He ran his tongue over her pulse and she felt herself shiver. "Bite me!"

With a growl of both anger and approval, Nikola sunk his teeth into her neck. At first he thought the scent of it would destroy him but when she started to moan and whimper, her body bucking under his, he simply gave in. It was a matter of moments before they both came, their pleasure intermingled.

Helen gasped for breath, the sensation of his teeth in her neck foreign but beautiful. The tiny slivers of pain had been surpassed quickly by unimaginable pleasure and even now, as he moved back, licking the wound softly, each touch sent another shudder of pleasure rippling through her body.

Gently he eased himself off her, collapsing next to her. He saw the trickle of blood down her neck and shuddered involuntarily. She sensed his movements and flipped over, looking to face him.

"Hi," she whispered with a soft smile. Nikola's jaw clenched and his eyes were rooted to the smear of blood on her neck, the wound almost completely healed. With a sigh she reached out her hand, gently touching her finger tips to his jaw. Immediately it unclenched and his eyes darted back to hers.

"Hello," he said, his voice teasing her ever so slightly but still with an edge that made her worry. She rolled her eyes but smiled at him, moving a bit closer. Nikola pushed up off the bed, searching for a pillow to prop them up on. He noticed with a frown that pillows were all near their feet.

"We may have gotten a little carried away," she commented, a little breathless. Without much effort, Nikola manoeuvred them to be on the pillows, his arm slung around her waist, pulling her closer. Helen let out a little contented sigh before she closed her eyes, pushing away all the niggling thoughts that were making her feel rather nervous before promptly falling asleep in his arms.

She woke up some time later, grateful that Nikola had not only thrown a blanket over them, but was still holding her, a hand playing with the tangled mess of her hair. She let herself relax into the moment before realising just where she was.

Nikola felt her stiffen in his arms and grudgingly released her, moving back to give her more room. He'd expected her have second thoughts but not this quickly. Helen rolled over awkwardly to look at him, noting the deep shame in his eyes.

"Thank you," she whispered, bring a hand to trace the now sensitive spot on her neck. Nikola quirked an eyebrow but said nothing, simply studying her. She watched him for a moment, puzzling over his sudden quietness. She'd always imagined he'd be insufferable after sex, gloating and teasing her until she gave in and they went another round. This almost pensive side of him was something she hadn't expected and while it wasn't unwelcome, she got the sense that he was waiting for her to speak.

She smiled at him, hoping to reassure him but something imperceptible flashed through his eyes. It took her a moment to figure out what it was and when she did, Helen felt her heart skip a beat. He was scared. Scared of what she couldn't be sure.

"I love you," he said suddenly, stroking her cheek. Helen captured his hand, kissing his palm.

"I love you too," she answered without hesitation. He smiled at that but she could see that tinge of sadness in his eyes. With a sigh, she pulled away from him and sat up, wrapping the sheet around her body. For all that they'd just done, Helen was starting to feel self conscious.

"Nikola," she started and he sat up, looking into her eyes warily. "I… I… I can't…" she started, suddenly nervous as his blue eyes watched her.

"It's O.K," he said sadly, cupping her cheek. He smiled softly at her before moving away, heading for the edge of the bed.

"No!" she almost yelled, startled at his movements.

"You don't have to explain," he said, the bitterness creeping into his voice. She let the sheet fall down as her arm darted out to grab him. He dodged her so Helen almost threw herself at him, grabbing him tightly. He turned in her grasp, looking her in the eye, anger bubbling up inside him.

"Don't, Helen," he spat, trying to fight her. He got up off the bed and started to look for his clothes.

"Nikola," she scolded, jumping out of bed after him. "What's wrong?" she asked, standing in front of him. He looked at her scornfully, trying very much not to think about the fact that she was standing before him, perfectly naked.

"I'm leaving," he said, pushing her to the side as gently as he could, fighting the urge to throw her back on the bed. "I'm sorry. This was a mistake."

"How dare you!" she hissed at him. "How dare you jump to conclusions when all I wanted to do was tell you that I loved you and that I don't want you to leave!" her voice was gaining momentum and her eyes were flashing dangerously and a smile started to creep onto his face. He couldn't help it, despite the angry glare Helen was still giving him.

She loved him.

"Don't smirk at me," she threatened angrily. She opened her mouth to continue to berate him but he cut her off, crushing her lips to his.

"I'm sorry," he said with a smile as he pulled away a few minutes later. She looked at him confused, her eyes glazed over. It took her a moment to get clear of her daze but once she did, Nikola's heart did odd little loops in his chest at her smile.

"Don't do it again," she said, playfully hitting his arm. He stepped back and shot her an angry glare, rubbing his arm as she laughed at him.

"You're mean," he said, stepping back into her arms.

"Get over it," she responded happily, kissing him with just enough promise that Nikola soon found himself leading her back towards the bed.

20 minutes later they were both lying on the bed again, panting slightly, each wearing goofy grins. Out of nowhere, Helen let out a burst of laughter, quickly bring her hand up to stifle herself.

"What?" Nikola asked, narrowing his eyes as he rolled on to his side to look at her.

"It's just," she said between short chuckles, "whoever would have thought that we… you know… you and I would…" she trailed off, gesturing between their bodies before laughing once more.

"I did," he said solemnly. Her laughter died in an instant and she turned her head to survey him.

"I know," she said softly, an apology in her wide eyes.

They lay silent for a few minutes, Helen curled around his body.

She pulled away from him, looking down into his eyes in a way that made him worried.

"Nikola," she started seriously. "I do love you but… but… but I can't promise perfection," she finally said, trepidation in her eyes. "You and I both known this won't be easy. My life doesn't exactly lend itself to a normal relationship."

"I wouldn't have it any other way," Nikola responded wholeheartedly. "You have never been a normal woman, Helen. You are exceptional in every sense of the word," he finished with a smile, raising his hand to stroke her now blushing cheek.

"And I don't know if I can live with you forever, all I know is that I can't lose you. If I lose you again…" she said, trailing off with a shudder.

"You will never lose me," he promised. "I will be by your side as long as you'll have me and even when you send me away, I'll keep coming back," he answered.

"I can't promise that I won't kill you," she warned, half joking, half serious.

"And I can't promise to play nice," he countered with a smirk. She smiled at that, her grin growing as his did. She laughed again and moved down to rest against his chest.

"To an eternity of imperfection," he proposed, tangling their fingers together.

"To the present," she countered.

"For now," he said with a mock sigh.

She laughed again and settled further into his embrace. Nikola toyed with the idea of finding his pants and the ring he'd hastily stashed in his pocket when she'd found him in the library but decided against it.

For immortals the present was everlasting, they had plenty of time for all that.


End file.
